2013 hasn’t had the greatest start to it. I find myself wondering if the 13 was jinxing this year to just be unlucky.
I started the year I guess drained emotionally, physically, and mentally from December. Emotionally was mainly from Mimi passing. I know that God was there through it all and experienced a lot of peace, but my nerves are still raw and need time to heal. I can be fine one minute, then losing my patience another, to crying the next. Some days I wished I could just stay in bed. The kids kept me from probably getting too bad. They have a lot of demands you can’t ignore, so there really isn’t a lot of down time. I did however become lazier than I wanted. Then again physically I wasn’t doing well either. Physically I wanted to stay in bed too. When Caleb got sick at Christmas I started having nausea spells after that. At first I thought it was me fighting whatever he had. It seemed to go away and then continued the next day. By the time the New Year started I was having nausea spells daily. I had myself convinced that it could be a sign that we might be adding another to our family. It made sense too when I looked at how tired I was. One Saturday we had a family cleaning day and by lunch I was sitting on the couch not wanting to get up and do anything else the rest of the day. I felt like I had been hit by a bus. John and I had the normal “what if” worries, but overall knew that if we were pregnant that it was part of God’s plan and we would be just fine. Well, weeks past and we found out that wasn’t the case. Then I just assumed that I was nauseated for about three weeks and soo tired because my body was recovering from the month before. Mentally I wasn’t ready for another baby, I’ve probably never been mentally ready really, but that’s why I try and leave that to God. At the start of the year with all the emotional and physical things I was dealing with it was no wonder that my mind was going crazy. I don’t make new year resolutions, but I seem to use the Christmas break to rethink some of our household operations. My mind was spinning with things I wanted to reorganize, routine changes that needed to be made, and so many more. I have a tendency to overwhelm myself with things I want “To Do” and I guess I did it again. John was also having a rough new year at work as well. With us questioning things with him, I started adding more and more to my “To Do” list. Then I hit a wall.
The wall was one really bad day with the kids. I felt like I was failing them, failing at everything I was doing. I just broke down and unloaded everything in a talk with John one evening after he got home from work. He really didn’t have a choice since I was upset and crying over everything. I just didn’t know why I couldn’t get myself together. I hate feeling like no matter how hard I try its not good enough. Of course this is based on my own standards, not anyone else’s. If you ask my husband, I’m doing a great job. If you ask me I’m doing a horrible job. I know I will never be perfect, but I think this gives me something to work towards. As long as I keep trying everyday than I am doing well. I’m glad that I have such a supportive husband. When I have my breakdowns he reminds me that I don’t have to be perfect and that despite what I think, I am doing a good job. I hated breaking down since he was also dealing with work issues. We have both decided to try and take each day one step at a time, more than we have been. We also are trying to celebrate small victories, like getting the kids on the bus without having to fuss at them too much.
Things are slowly working themselves out. I’ve made my list of what I need to do to get back on track. My first step was waking up earlier. I hate mornings. I would rather stay up till all hours of the night getting things done, than wake up early. That doesn’t work very well with my crew. They are up by 6:30 even on weekends when we let them stay up late. I have been rolling out of bed at 6:30 rushing trying to get lunches made, John’s breakfast made, helping kids get cereal, and making sure the older boys get ready for school. Last year that worked. This year I added potty training to the mix and I proved not to be able to juggle any more that early in the morning. On mornings that Makaela would wake up early it was a nightmare. So, I had to change it. I started on February first and have made it up before 6:20 every morning. This is a great accomplishment for me. I used to wake up at 5:30 every morning when I was working, but since then 6:30 has been my earliest. I seemed determined not to go back to being the first one up every morning, but it worked then and I needed to try it again. I have to say it is nicer easing into the day instead of being thrown into it still half asleep.
I’ve also decided to read before bed. I am not a big reader, but it is something that always sounds like a good idea to me. So, I decided to start being more devoted to it. I’ve been working on a book my mom let me borrow since Thanksgiving. I want to finish it not only because it is a good book but also I want to start some of the other ones she gave me. I’m into reading faith based books. My mom has an awesome library for Catholic books. My goal was to read more about confession and Communion since that was what Noah was learning about. I have to take a parent class, but I wanted to do more. I haven’t been able to teach or go to any adult classes myself, which have always been a way to get myself to continue to grow in my faith. I think it is important to always keep learning about your faith, it helps you have ownership of your faith. The first book I started from my mom was “Lord, Have Mercy: The Healing Power of Confession” by Scott Hahn. He was a convert that uses an intellectual way to confirm and explain our beliefs. My next book on my list is his “The Lamb’s Supper.” Reading is helping. I have some “me” time before bed and feel more at peace about the world than I have been. I guess I have been letting other things consume my time and just wanted to get back to things that I know give me a sense of peace, so this has been helping.
I’m focusing on me right now, but soon I will start focusing on other things like my kids. I really need to get back into “mommy school” with Ian. This now two month sabbatical is really not good. I’ve given him a few things to do during nap time by himself while I have my down time without kids, but I know he needs me to really focus on him. Can’t believe we have four months till summer and then Ian will be starting Kindergarten. He is ready in the fact that he wants to go, but I really want to make sure he is ready academically. No pressure, just need to get back on track and take it one day at a time.
I usually don’t write about things like this, but I felt like I should. It has been a good release for me, since this blog is somewhat like my journal as an at home mom. Being an at home mom is a full time job, that like any other job has it’s bad moments. I got into a rut and now I’m working myself out of it. Even though the happy memories are the ones I really want to keep for years to come, I think that every once in a while sharing the bad will make the this seem a little bit more like real life.
More information, than some might want to know:
I’m not exactly sure how many family and friends actually read this, like I’ve said before this is pretty much something I do for me and my family, but some of you might. I’m sure you might be think “Are John and Michelle trying to have another baby?” “They already have 5, do they need any more?” “Is she just trying to catch up to her mom?” Well, the answer is No, to all of those. John and I have never “tried” to have any kids. Looking back I believe John had mentioned maybe having 3 or 4 before we started having any. Then we decided it is not up to us. God has a plan for us and if His plan includes 5 kids or more, than that is what we will have. We do have those moments of “What was God thinking?” but try and have faith that He knows what He is doing. Would we like to have more kids? Maybe. We have five, one more doesn’t scare us, too much. As we tell everyone, once you survive having three, what’s one more? We are happy with our five. We would be happy with six. This is why we like to let God have the final say in this. For those still concerned that this might be a way to slowly break the news to our family, we can honestly tell you that right now, we are not expecting.